we are NOT the most annoying people at church. Nope, apparently we're just amateurs. There's a whole slue of things we've never even considered before. Who knew? Just in case you aspire to become the single most annoying family ever on the face of the earth, I've written a guide for you. I call it 12 Steps to Hell (cuz that's where everyone else will either think they are or will wish to be when you show up.)
1. Come in late making sure to slam your chair back into the knees of the person behind you.
2. Sit in the middle of the row and then get up a million times in less than 15 minutes.
3. Read your books out loud drowning out the speakers.
4. Sing the hymns in an obnoxious mocking voice but not on the lyrics. It's more fun to make up your own.
5. Take a big handful of the sacrament bread.
6. Make a piercing siren sound. Do it over and over.
7. Repeatedly knock items from the hands of others. Don't apologize or help them retrieve them.
8. Feed each other grapes out of the mouths of toys. Not just any toys, mind you. They must be little gross-looking monster toys that also roar, bite people, and make out with one another. Use loud smacky sounds.
9. Smear string cheese all over the place. I mean ALL over the place. Make sure to smear it on the people sitting near you.
10. Have a tickle fight with your small children. Give them plenty of zerbies so they'll scream.
11. Rub the legs of women you've never met. Be sure you laugh about how funny that is. It isn't creepy enough unless you do that.
12. Pull down each others' pants so we can all see who it is that needs a diaper change. Wait a good long time before you decide to actually change it.
So there you have it, folks. Stick to my guidelines, and I can guarantee you'll always have a pew to yourself.
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