Live Comedy

In honor of my 10 year wedding anniversary (which is today) I shall not spend all evening complaining about my teeth, yelling at my kids, or cleaning my house. I should probably do a little of that last one, but I won't. (Just for you sweetie, cuz I luuuuuuuuuuuuvs you sooooo much. /grin) Neither will I spend all evening working on another blog post that no one will read but you.

I will, however, repost my favorite post ever from my soon to be deleted myspace blog. I know you liked it before, dear. Have another laugh at my expense. I love you. Happy anniversary.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Live Comedy

So I was recently asked to write about a reference I made to a past performance I mentioned in this blog of mine.

Go ahead. Go catch up. I'll wait................/begins humming the jeopardy theme song.......

/twittles thumbs.........

/glances at the nonexistent Movado on her wrist.....

/Jeopardy song hits final key modulation and...

done now? Are you sure, cuz I really don't mind. Well, I don't actually want to sit here all day. I don't particularly enjoy wasting time, but I guess I could. for you. cuz I'm nice like that. sigh. I am such a good person...

So to please all you sadistic readers of mine (and give you a little chuckle at my expense) I shall now recount my latest disastrous performance.

Ahem. James, my worst heckler biggest fan, had again asked me to accompany him on this solo he was to sing in church. I took a look at the music, and it was no problem really. It was several pages long with a repeat and a Coda which required back and forth page turning, but the music itself was certainly not anything to worry over. I practiced all week anyway just to be sure I had done my part and could be totally confident on performance day. The only real issue I had was just how many page turns I had to manuever. You see, I learned many years ago never to trust anyone else to get my pages turned. Those people just can NOT be trusted. Not. A. One.

So many types. There are page turners that aren't careful to turn just one page at a time. They grab two pages, or the the music sticks to their fingers so they can't let go and all but push you off the bench trying to fix it. Some page turners don't pay enough attention, get lost, then turn the page too late. Others get over-anxious. They are so worried they'll miss a turn that they jump the gun and turn a whole line too early, realize their mistake and then try to turn it back. Then there's the emo-turners (my personal favorites...not) who get so involved listening and feeling the experience that they forget the whole purpose of them being there is to TURN THE DANG PAGE FOO!

ahem. flashback....sorry.

I have always since quickly turned my own pages or memorized bits and pieces or taped little handles on the music... done something to insure myself I would always be in the right place at the right time. This time I struggled more than usual to find a good method. I worked at it all week to no avail and ultimately, I decided to stretch each page across the front of the piano to avoid having to turn pages at all.

Fast forward to performance day. Rehearsal that morning went great. James, my worst heckler biggest fan was in top form, and I followed him like a dream. We both were feeling quite pleased with ourselves and anxious to get the show on the road. I also play for the choir who rehearse before church(but not the congregation. That's another pianist, except when she doesn't show up. Then it's all me baby!) I thought I'd be all smart and set my stuff up early so all I had to do was sit and play later on. I put her hymnal on top open to the correct page and everything (cuz I'm nice like that.)

GO time came, and I went and sat down, removed the hymnal, and began to play. It was going pretty well. Until the second page that is. It was so odd. I was playing the music, I hit all the right notes, but it sounded so off. James was giving me weird looks. Then it hit me. My music was out of order. Really out of order. One page wasn't even music. Do you have any idea how difficult it is try to and skip around while accompanying someone? It's impossible. I totally FREAKED.

Everything that follows is so absurd, y'all, that really it should have been made into an old black and white silent film. So picture, if you will, an old timey t.v. set…speed up the action…cue the clown music…raise the curtain and…

Lovely Pianist has to get this straightened out and fast. Obviously she's playing the wrong page (insert laugh track) but where is the right one? (cue sinister music DUNT DUNT DUUUUUN) She starts to vamp (badly) with the right hand while the left hand tries to sort out the mess. What's this? (gasp) Is that the right page? GET IT FOO! She grabs at the music sending it shooting straight off the piano to the floor. "OH NO, NOT THE FLOOR" our tragic heroine cries. Lovely Pianist disappears from view, reappears and slams music onto piano. EUREKA. It's time for the second verse. We must go back two pages to repeat, but wait! What is this? Music is not only upside down but backwords too? "OH COSMIC THUMB", she cries as music flies off the keyboard in every direction "THOU HAST SMITTEN ME YET AGAIN." Lovely Pianist tries again to correct this problem. "AHA" she cries triumphantly as the piece of paper finally settles securely onto the piano. "I CAN CONQUER THIS MOUNTAIN! But alas. It's not so. That's not her music. That's not even music.

Things are desperate now. Who will save our lovely pianist from this nightmarish moment? Will it be the Lovely Pianist's friend, Brilliant Conductor, in the first row? She desperately sends visual pleas for aid to no avail. (Cue Camera 2) Brilliant Conductor is busy wrestling B.C.-Minis. Perhaps it will be Other Pianist who screwed up said music in the first place who happens to be sitting right beside the Lovely Pianist's lovely piano. (Cue camera 3) She desperately sends curses of pain, torment, and ultimate death again to no avail. Perhaps some loving being from on high will intervene and put things right? She prays with all her might. "WHAT? WHAT'S THAT ABOUT CURSES? " sigh. No avail.

Cue Curtains.

I did straighten it out eventually. It took me till the last page to do so. The whole audience watched this Comedy of Errors in the meantime. I have no idea how they could even hear James sing with all the paper ruffling and commotion going on. I have thought about the whole mess several times since then. Have I decided to go with a page turner in the future? Heck no, man. Next time I'm bringing duct tape.

So there you have it.

/Lovely Pianist takes her bow, and then glides gracefully off the stage.